your horoscope for today

Image: Courtesy of saverfreebies.

Circulated through e-mail, this is a parody of the horoscope one usually reads in a magazine/newspaper. It's in the native dialect, Bisaya, so I've translated the text into English for our non-Bisaya readers. The translation is not verbatim per se, but I would like to think I've captured the thought.

Also, since most of the horoscope readers are women, this is written for them/us.

aries
delikadong maglakawlakaw karun kay slide ang dalan ug daghang makakita. patuo jud sa tambag ayaw agi sa dalan.adto agi sa dagat kay pulos tubig to ddto dli maklaro kong ma slide ka. swerteng numero: 138, pwede sad rambolon!

it is not a good idea to walk outside today, as the roads will be slippery and somebody will see when you slip. it is a good idea to heed this warning. should you need to walk outside, walk by the seashore, or better yet, use the sea to navigate to your destination. this way, if you slip, it will not be so obvious since you're already in the water. lucky number: 138 - this can also be jumbled for that winning combination of whatever you're betting on today!

taurus
bation nimo ang tumang kalaay, busa likaye ang pagtan aw sa imong dagway. lugar debwenas: obyos bah?! kanang lugar nga walay samin aron dli nimo makita imong dagway!

you will feel very bored today, ergo, avoid looking at the mirror as you will become depressed when you see your face. lucky place: isn't it obvious by now? of course, any place without a mirror, so you don't accidentally get a glimpse of your depressing face.

gemini
naglibog ka karun kung kinsa ang imohang pilion, ang imong uyab nga adunahan apan maut (batig nawng bah!) o ang usa nga ambungan pero wlay nahut. opsss! nganung maglibog mn ka nga nga libog naman kang daan, db?! swertehun ka sa pagcgeg chat sa internet, kay mag brown out kini ug dili ka makabayad sa imong nagamit.

you feel very confused today. who should you choose: your rich boyfriend who is not so physically well-endowed (in other words, ugly) or your yummilicious but freeloading boytoy? oops! why be confused when you were already confusing before all these even started? you will be lucky surfing/chatting in an internet cafe, as this place will have a brownout and you won't be asked to pay for the time/rent.

cancer
ayaw pgpaduol sa classmate nimo (kana kon estudyante ka ha!) imong ka opismit (kung opisgirl ka!) nga ngcgeg panghingugmo (lood!) kay delikado nga malagputan ka! swerteng butang: panyo, in case nga dili malikayan aduna kay mapahid.

avoid your classmate (if you're still in school) or officemate (if you're a career woman) who's always picking his nose. (yuck!) there's a high probability this classmate/officemate accidentally flicks a dried snot your way! lucky object: handkerchief. in case a dried snot did accidentally land on you, you can use the handkerchief to wipe it away.

leo
palig-uni ug maau ang imohang bra kay makasugat kag gwapo. daku ang posibilidad nga mabugto ni. kun ikaw lalaki, seguradoang lig-on ang imong siper kay dghang tentasyon sa mata ang masugatan nimo ron. lugar debwenas: cementeryo

make sure you're wearing a sturdy bra because today you will meet a good-looking dude. there's a big chance your bra might get unhooked on its own due to this dude's hotness. if you're a guy, make sure your zipper is sturdy as well because there's just too much eye candy around. lucky place: the cemetery.

virgo
intriga sa kinabuhi ang buot mopaluya nimo, magcge daw ka ug papansin aron maka gain ug lots of friends. apan ayaw kana pansina instead shout it to the max "wlay bot-anay" butang dimalas: cellphone, ma check operator ka!

you will be swamped with a lot of intrigues today, mainly because people will say you're desperately craving for attention so that you'll have lots of friends. but do not pay heed to these people. instead, you should shout out to the world: bugger off, you idiots! unfavorable object: your cellphone. you will get a message today: check operator services (or, you don't have enough credits to send SMS messages).

libra
kalipay ang mgpaabot nimo karung semanaha kay dghan ka ug mauyab. likayi ang mga tapulan og dili kahibaw mubuhat ug lobletters kay syur ko ikaw jud ang pahimuon haha...swerteng butang: chalk...kon estudyante ka suwati ang inyong blakboard ug wanted uyab!

happiness awaits you this week because you will have several suitors. avoid those who are lazy or do not know how to write a love letter because you will be asked to write the love letter for them haha... lucky object: chalk... if you're a student, you should write on the blackboard: wanted - lover!

scorpio
ugma kong molakaw ka kuyog imong mga prends ibilin jud ang imohang cellphone kay dghang mga prends nimo ang wlay load unya magpapasa load sila nimo. dal-a lng ni kung wla sad kay load ok?! swerteng lugar: colon, makakita ka ug casing sa imohang cellphone.

tomorrow when you go out with your friends, make sure to leave your cellphone in the house. these "friends" will ask, nay, demand you to load their cellphone with enough credits so they can send SMS messages. but if your cellphone does not have enough load to forward credits, then ok, you can bring it with you. lucky place: colon street. you will see (and probably buy) a rockin' cellphone casing.

sagittarius
hilabihan nimo ka swerte karung adlawa kay makadawat ka ug pahalipay bisan layo pa ang pasko, lifetime supply sa tawas. tawo nga dimalas: imohang tupad

today is your lucky day because you will receive a gift even if it's not yet christmas. your gift - a lifetime supply of deodorant. unlucky person: whoever happens to be sitting/standing next to you.

capricorn
madakpan ka karung adlawa kuyog ang imohang uyab sa usa ka mall! ang rason nila "no pets allowed" butang debwenas: tangkal. adto na ibutang ang imohang uyab!

today while malling with your boyfriend, you will be arrested by the police. you will be charged with bringing pets into the mall, and this is a serious offense because in the mall, "no pets are allowed." lucky object: a cage. place your boyfriend here, and return later to claim him.

aquarius
pg andam pirme ug rugby kay malangkat ang lapa2x sa imohang sapatos. kung wla kay rugby pag bawon pirme ug sinelas, isud sa bag. tawong demalas: may lain pa, di IKAW!!!!

always have a bottle of superglue ready, because the soles of your shoes will come apart later today. if you don't have superglue, bring a pair of slippers, and put it in your bag. unlucky person: who else, but YOU!!!!

pisces
maayong ilabay ang butang nga imohang gikuptan kay mao kana ang nagdala ug demalas nimo. opppss! time pah! joke lng!!! ang tinuod swerte ka karun kay librehon ka sa imong tupad. adlawang debwenas: KARON lageeeeh!

it is a good idea to dispose of that thing you're holding right now, because that is your unlucky object today. whooops! wait! i was just kidding. the truth is, you will be lucky today because the person sitting next to you will treat you out for dinner. lucky day: TODAY. duhhh!


**Am I super-bored today, or what??